breathed.

inhale your arms up, exhale and swan dive into uttanasana. inhale your legs back plank and exhale to chattarunga. inhale your heart to cobra and on your next exhale, lift your hips to the sky into downward facing dog.

vinyasa vinyasa vinyasa.

and while i connected my breath with my movements and flow that day, i just kept thinking about what she said. “your breath is your best companion every minute of every day.”

and she’s right. if something is going wrong, if someone is mad, overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, sad, anything, the first thing i always say is “just step back and take a breathe.” whenever i’m mad and about to lose my cool, whenever i’m sad, overwhelmed, anything, what do i do? i take a breathe. breathing is the most underrated thing ever. people think it’s just something we do because we have no control over it, it’s involuntary. but breathing has been proven to be soothing, releasing, uplifting and balancing if we pay attention and focus on our breathe. that concept is fairly entertaining to begin with because when we pay attention to breathing, when we step back and take a breath, we can focus and think, we feel more balanced. who would have thought? breathing, just simply breathing, it’s life changing. why do you think when we’re outrageously mad we take a deep breath and release it loudly and obnoxiously? because it’s cleansing. our bodies know without our minds even thinking that it’s calming and cleansing, so why don’t we listen? why don’t we listen and pay attention to our bodies? because they will tell us what we need. if you’re thirsty, you drink water. if you’re hungry, you eat. if you’re hot, you sweat. if you’re tired, you yawn. why? it’s not always because you’re tired. sometimes you yawn because your body is low on oxygen, so without us even knowing, uncontrollably, we yawn. our bodies know what we need and yet people still refuse to listen.

another thing she said was to “breathe space into anywhere we feel tight.”
when you think about that, it’s sort of funny as well. what do we do when we’re in an awkward situation, when we don’t know what to say, when we want to ask someone something but we don’t know how to? we stop, we pause, and we breath. we breath in tight situations. so when it comes down to it, why do we even need to be reminded to breath? we do it naturally, involuntarily. it keeps us alive. i have been in so many yoga classes and teachers say “remember to breathe.” or they’ll say “please, someone breath,” or “is anyone breathing in here? the room is so quiet.” while i have to admit that i have been one to hold my breathe in a pose, i usually always realize at some point that a pose is extremely hard for no reason and why is that? oh, because i’m not breathing. so why don’t we as humans put more emphasis on it? why don’t we put more emphasis on the act of breathing?

so do something good for yourself and the people around you.

just step back and take a breathe.

my first big first that hasn’t happened yet, but will soon, is that i’m going to ask a guy out. that’s okay, right? i mean, he seems to be shy, busy, cute, all of the above. So i’ve decided to stand up and take action, i’m going to ask him out. i keep reading different places things like “do one thing everyday that scares you” or “do something that makes your heart beat fast,” or something to that effect, and i’ve taken it to heart. i’m not sure what i’m going to do tomorrow, but tuesday i’m taking a statistics final, which is enough scary for one day. i’m taking june in to get spayed on wednesday, so that’s kind of scary, but leaving here there by herself will make my heart beat fast, in a sad way, but that still counts. and then there’s thursday. that’s the day i think. the day i ask him out. i’m not sure how i’m going to do this, so it’s probably good that i have until thursday. (by the way, is this how guys always feel when they ask out a girl that they could possibly just keep liking more and more every time they see them? this is rough.) so, what should it be? a simple dinner invite, beers, coffee? how do i do this?! i don’t know either, but i’m sure i’ll figure it out. it’ll be alright.

now, for another first. i’ve decided to try to make some dog cookies from scratch. i’ve been searching for recipes and i’m rather excited. more news on that later.

it appears that i’ve lost my train on thought, so i suppose i’ll finish this off later.
wish me luck.

to help bring this realization to me, two things happened: i started teaching yoga classes and i got a puppy. don’t get me wrong, both are utterly brilliant while they have both taught me something else: if it’s too quiet, then there’s something wrong.

after a summer of practicing yoga 5 or six times a week at darling yoga, i discovered my passion – i want to teach yoga. if i could help someone in even such a small way that victor, emily, and lindsay have, then that would be an amazing accomplishment in my life. so here i go, enrolling in a 200 hour yoga teaching certification course and i’m feeling pretty confident, until the end of the first weekend and just like that, my cloud nine started raining. lo and behold, i put my head down and trudged through the down pour and it has gotten a million times better. i’m now teaching a (practice) yoga class to the faculty in my mom’s office. i thought teaching would be a breeze and that there isn’t much to it, but i’ve never been more wrong. between keeping a soothing and calming voice and spitting out sanskrit words, i have my work cut out for me. one thing that i’ve found to make this all easier though is music. it’s awkwardly silent for me when there’s no music playing lowly in the back ground, as that is how i have always practiced. once i clicked on that music, the words started flowing and my classes have been small successes within themselves and i’ve found myself slowly growing as a (thought i would never say this) teacher.

and so it continues, i adopted a 10 week old golden retriever pup. she’s glorious but the fact of the matter is that if she isn’t in sight and i don’t hear any noise, then there’s something wrong. it usually means she’s upstairs making a mess or chewing on my icebreaker socks. i’m really treasuring these puppy weeks because i know they don’t last long, but at the same time, i’m so excited to watch her grow, learn, and become this beautiful dog. either way, i’m working on having the most well trained dog i’ve ever seen, but that, too, is proving to be harder than i expected.

world, meet my june

and to say the least, the last 24 hours has thrown me through a loop more than any other 24 hours in the last two months.
on a night out that i didn’t even plan on going to, i somehow ran into the ex (brutal breakup) boyfriend. after a sober talk and realizing that nothing has changed between us (in a very wonderful way), i proceeded this morning at three o’clock that i would not call him tomorrow, which is indeed, today. now, see, here’s the thing, half of this hoping and praying has been about him. he’s a wonderful guy and chose to somehow just walk out of my life for reasons i have yet to understand. then today in yoga training, we discussed the idea of surrendering today.
let me just say this: the word surrender doesn’t exist in my vocabulary. not even a little bit, until today. a little rant for the moment-i really do believe that everything happens for a reason, everything except one thing that i’m still reasoning with. anyway, there was a reason that he saw me last night and he ended up at my house for a late night conversation that i promise was really just that. anyway, the last time he pranced into my life for a minute, i once again refused to call him the next day and that was it. we didn’t talk at all again until last night. to add to the idea of surrendering, my mom went on to tell me that my independence can be too much for people, so here i am, this is my first act of surrendering: i’m going to call him. i guess the thing is that i can’t just let this chance run away because i already did that once.

lets see how this goes.

i don’t want to worry about pointless drama, what the weather will be like tomorrow, or getting all my work done. that’s not what life is about.

i want to see the world and hear my friends laughing all around me. i want to feel the sun on my back and rock faces underneath my fingertips. i want to push my body to the limits and see how far i can go. i want to dance at parties and smile every minute. i want to feel the earth underneath my feet with peace flowing through my every molecule of my being. i want to capture all those things you never thought you’d see in a photo and know true love, the way it used to be before make up and perfect bodies is what shaped people’s idea of attractiveness and love. i want to hold a man’s hand and feel him admiring me as i drive. i want to write and pick flowers under the wide blue sky and get lost on back roads until i find my way home. i want to read and experience life as it comes at me. i don’t want to make plans or know what i’m going to do in twenty years, i just want to do what is in my heart right now. i want to spend afternoons on my couch watching chick flicks and run in the bright leaves with my dogs.

all i want is to live life. i want to eat amazing food and let all my friends know how much they mean to me. i want to bake cookies and yell at baseball games. i want to try new things and drink beer, not simultaneously of course. i want to go to concerts and feel the bass rattle my bones. i want to be there for my friends and run free in my toms. i want to feel every feeling possible and learn the rules of football. i want to sit around a campfire and listen to people play acoustic guitars and drums. i want to watch scary movies and curl up next to a boy that will keep me safe. i want to watch the cotton puffs i exhale in the cold and feel excited about the holidays. i want to feel that small stir of excitement in my soul at the beginning of spring and winter. i want to watch lightning flash through the world and hear the thunder rumble. i want to shop for clothes that i won’t buy and hear the crunch of snow under my feet. i want to give people all those things they’ll never buy for themselves and feel the warmth of my bed against the cool air.

i just want to live my life. i just want to see and feel all the amazement and brilliance that my being can handle.

At moments it’s all so clear and the sky is the most deep blue you’ve ever seen in your days. Then, without warning, you feel the calm before the storm. The thoughts start to creep, but you can’t ignore that nagging breeze that is blowing the dark clouds closer and closer. There’s no warning sign, just that breeze that turns into that whirl wind that twists everything and makes it hard to keep going straight, even if you’re driving directly into it. And so there you are, left with your thoughts that won’t subside and the rain relentlessly battering at your windows. The storm doesn’t help, you can’t sort through your thoughts, even when you’re so sure of the way you feel.

I know how I feel and I was so sure that maybe for once, my real life movie scene was going to happen. I’d tell you how much I care and bam! it would all be perfect. It would be puffy clouds and bright stars. But instead, I got this storm, this never ending storm. I can always control my feelings, that’s why I’m always okay with relationships, I can control everything I’ve ever felt, until you. Before you, I could stay with my feet on the ground with just my eyes on the skies. Now, now I’m head over heels and I can’t decide which direction is up. There’s nothing that could keep me away from you if you’d just say I’m the one you want. If you’d just let go and float, you would see that I’m different. I’m not like those other two that ruined it all for me. The ones that have caused me to have to fight and prove myself. Prove that I want you twice as much as they ever did, that I won’t turn away or run from it all. I’ve already tried, but I can’t leave you out, I can’t keep you away. I’ve surrendered to this feeling and I’m ready to embrace it and take it in. Why won’t you just let me in?

don’t get mad at me when you can’t call in you sandwich order because our phone lines are down. believe me, i would have much rather done without the cops, alarm sounds, and broken tile this morning, but since someone decided to be all clever and drill through the lock on the front door and tear apart parts of the store, i had to help my manager deal with it. so when our phone lines have been cut and it’s completely out of my control, don’t get mad just because it’s going to take an extra seven minutes to get your sandwich. i’ve dealt with far more in the last three hours of my shift than you have in the past week, so please, relax for a minute.

also, make up your mind. if you like me, if you don’t, either way is fine with me. but don’t make remarks about how i should get used to having money spent on me and then talk about this “smokin’ hot girl” you saw the other day because really, it makes me want to hold on to that feeling of letting go that i had a few months ago, before you decided you missed me in your life. i mean, it’s not like i actually know what i could possibly want right now, but i have left that to a higher power to help lead me down the right path and i don’t need you getting in my way. if you’d decide, i swear, it really could be magical, but you have to decide first because i’m done inferring, i’m done guessing. grow up and realize that i’m much stronger than any woman you’ve ever dated. in all honesty, i’m not quite sure you could handle me, but if i’m going to spend this much time wondering, i suppose it’s worth seeing if you can keep up.

blinkers, they are made for a reason so please, please for the love of all that is holy, use them. if you’re going to cut me off, at least use your blinker. then after cutting me off, don’t you dare slow down because i have no problem demonstrating how radical my jeep is and how quickly your car will buckle like a can of sardines.

and last, but definitely not least, curve the bill of your hat and take off the damn stickers. does it really matter if everyone knows it’s the real thing? no, it really doesn’t. and you look way more uncomfortable with a straight bill than you do cool, so just do us all a favor and curve the bill of your hat before i take it off your head and stomp on it, potentially lighting it on fire if it’s a yankees hat. i mean, face it, the only people that like the yankees are the fans, everyone else hates them. it’s not even an “ehh, i don’t really care either way, yankees, shmankees.” no, if you’re not a yankees fan, chances are you hate them and for that, my friend, you deserve a high five.

on a more simple note, om shanti shanti shanti om.

that driving a wrangler soon leads to a growing problem of claustrophobia.
how to make jeans and a t-shirt dressy.
life is so much more ordinary than i ever thought it was.
no matter how much time you (thought you) wasted with someone, if you learned something from it, then it was not a waste at all.
baseball is one defining point of my summer that will never fade.
there is a good chance shaved ice is infinitely better than ice cream, but maybe not as grand as gelato.
no matter what you consider to be your favorite genre of music, you can like any other song you want to that doesn’t fit into that genre.
people walk in and out of your life for a reason, sometimes to remind you to raise your standards back to what they used to be.
if you feel like you need to have a back up plan, then you don’t want the original plan bad enough. at that point, you might want to consider going back to the drawing board.
if there’s something that you want to do, big or small, really honestly, don’t let anything get in your way.
even if you don’t say a thought or a feeling out loud, if you can think it, that means it’s true.
never underestimate the power of youth.
mumford and sons is one of the greatest bands ever.
everyone in the world could use a best friend that is persistent and bold.
white v-necks are the best ten dollars i’ve ever spent.
moms really do know what you’re doing, even if you think they don’t.
don’t ever stop dreaming.
if there’s something you really want to do, then stop and take the time to do it.
it won’t kill you to leave your number for that cute waiter with the nice smile.
always take your friends advice into hard consideration.
the numbers on the clocks at the film developing station glow in the dark.
yoga is the best prescription for a busy life.
don’t forget your shoes.
tip well.
as painful as it might be to ask for help, you’ll be better off afterward.
make a wish at 11:11.
don’t ever be afraid to tell your best friend the truth because they’re not there to judge you.
irish car bombs are the best and worst things a bar can offer.
late night drives usually solve a lot of your problems.
don’t ever forget to look up at the stars.
your bad timing could really be something that protects you.
if there’s somewhere you’d like to go, then start planning to go right now.
nature is the definition of perfection.
lower your guard and trust people, there’s some good ones out there.
sailing is a beautiful way to see the landscape.
road trips are nothing to dread.
laughing with your family is one of the things you’ll always remember.
stand up for what you like, even if it’s completely embarrassing.
rock climbing will connect you to the world around you in a way you’ve never imagined.

sing, sing with all your heart.

nothing ever happens the way it does in movies.
or in book either.

for instance, i just finished dear john today by nicholas sparks. it took me two days to read, which i completely wasn’t expecting, but i also wasn’t expecting it to a be a book that i cry about in the end (even though i should have maybe expected it considering it is a nicholas sparks book). yes, i’ve always had a great amount of respect for soldiers, men or women, but i’ve always had a particularly soft spot for male soldiers, thanks to movies like pearl harbor and atonement, and what will be dear john when it comes out, whether they have any sense of reality or not. i’ve always found it to be a romantic idea to date a soldier, even if it requires me to be away from him. but to be with someone who is serving the country, and to be the one that he thinks about and comes home to on leave, that has to be an amazing feeling. and dear john totally tore my heart out. this girl finds this amazing soldier who is completely entranced by everything she does and wants nothing more than to love her his entire life. to find a kind of love with that with anyone would be something so special that it blows my mind, but to have it with someone so respectable as a soldier, come on, how is that even a question? i love the idea of writing letters and the anticipation of seeing someone come home safe and sound when they have been out fighting and standing for the country. yes, i know, i am a hopeless romantic and not in touch with reality sometimes, but still, it sounds beyond amazing.

let me break in here also with something. one of my good friends left for afghanistan dating someone and while she cheated on him a few times when he was here, he dreamed of coming back on leave and marrying her, which he did. but he also came back home after his tour ready to sign divorce papers. i hate this girl to the day and i know that kharma will catch up to her one day and completely hand her everything that she did to him, but that is the only comfort i find in it at all. now he’s left not only with the nightmares of the war, but also with a walled heart while facing his date of his second tour.

see, the way that i see love is that if you love someone, you stand by them. but yet there are thousands of soldiers that come home with the idea of having someone that they can lie down next to that night and feel comfortable for the first time since they deployed, only to find out when they get home, or not even necessarily when they get home, maybe even when they are still deployed, that their significant other has cheated on them or even worse, fallen in love with someone else. i can’t imagine a more debilitating blow than that, which is exactly what -caution, spoiler- john, in dear john, received. he’s fighting in iraq and dreams everyday of returning home to the girl that he loves with his entire being, only to get a letter in the mail from her saying that she has fallen in love with someone else. granted, i get even more mad at this considering that channing tatum plays john in the movie and i mean, please, how could you fall out of love with someone like him? but even more, how can you fall out of love with someone that you had so much with? i can’t say that i’ll never understand, because i might one day. but all the people that i know that have fallen out of love at all, with anybody, it’s because they never had anything great going on between them at all.

it makes me so sad that things like this happen, and it happens every day. it’s really just not fair. is it that hard for people to stay loyal to each other, no matter how far apart they are? temptations are part of life, but they also define who you are in how you approach them and get through them. the one thing that i can say is that i will never, ever understand or condone cheating. has society brainwashed us so much and made us lose so much self control that we can’t even stay loyal to someone that we love.

so it goes, i’ll go see dear john and i’m sure that i’ll cry, just like i did when i was reading the book. and i’ll be mad about the movie, just like i’m mad about the book. one thing that i really took from the book is that savannah is exactly the type of person i never want to be. i want to be with the person i love entirely for the rest of my life when i find him, not the person that i love right then just because he’s there in front of me like savannah did.

one good thing that comes out of movies and books for me is that it makes me evaluate my life, maybe even helps me put things in the right place.

remember when we used to ride around in your jeep? when we’d listen to all this music and neither of us knew what song was coming up next. we had all these big trips planned, but you’d already been on half of them. you’ve seen so much and i think you’re just now starting to learn to appreciate them. i wonder what you’re doing right now. or how you let a guy get between our friendship. i know you see me driving sometimes. do you ever think about calling and saying i’m sorry, i need you back in my life? because you did a really great job at dropping me and leaving me in the dark. but i guess you’re probably happy now. acting like one of those people you always wanted to be. i just hope your life hasn’t turned out to be the lie it appears to be on the outside.

remember that night on your porch? i said i was moving because i needed to get away and that there were other doctors that could figure out what’s wrong with me. you wanted to go to. sunny san diego. i would have moved anywhere with you, even if there were no doctors there that could help me figure out the solution to the problem that troubles me so much. just to fall asleep with you every night and laugh at all the dumb jokes. there’s still songs i can’t listen to because they remind me of you. the thing that makes me sad though is the fact that i worked so hard on forgetting you that now i really can’t remember all the things i want to about you. i remember all the adorable texts you sent me and all the times you let me down. i guess i always go for the same type of guy, the one that will always let me down. i’ll never forget though, standing out in my front yard kissing you and my friends burst out singing in the background. that night was so wonderful. i wish you had never gotten scared. because somehow through all of it, i think you’re the only guy i’ve ever really loved. i still wonder why sometimes my heart is still bound to you at moments.

remember those random times we’d always hang out. i remember laying on my couch with you after we’d been loaded on captain and coke. we’ve always had the worst timing. i wanted you then, i still want you now. i wanted you over the summer when i was with him. i don’t think i’ve wasted my time that badly before in my entire life. did and done and now you’re starting to love her. talk about bad timing all over again. i remember the beginning of summer though. i felt like i had forever just laid out in front of me. those nights down on the dock. that night before you left when we were squeezed on my couch. my breath was taken away. and that night in my hammock. we were so close. you were staying over that night. why did you always have to be such a good guy? i wanted the world that night and i fell asleep wishing you were mine.

it’s times like these that all i want to do is pack up and leave town. head for colorado and find my mountain and start my life. then i start to wonder, what’s wrong with that?